I’m usualy answering questions not asking, especialy ones like this. Just thinking. I’m a smart person so please don’t give me guilt trip answers like how would your family or children feel. I know how it works. I know how people think. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time. I don’t go around telling people I want to die.I don’t want to hurt anyone, trust me, I know suicide hurts loved ones, I think about it daily. I am 32 years old (female) was married for almost 12 years still in the process of divorce, we still love eachother Don’t ask. Our 3 aweome boys are with dad on the other side of the country. No possible way I can go back right now. Don’t deal with the issue. I am just going down hill. I have allot of family here. This is the first time I have ever lived alone and have been for almost 2 years. have been struggling with mental illness all my life. Eating disorder for 14 years, depression, ADHD, OCD, Tourrette’s, Chronic insomnia the past 8 years. the list goes on. I am in treatment but am now on SSI and medicade to pay for my therapy which I am totaly embarrased about and it’s not right, I don’t feel right using public assistance. I don’t want to hear that I shouldn’t be. I’m not getting the help I need because of the stigma attatched to me, the only ones in my area getting the attention are the ones doing running around saying they want to hurt themselves for the attention when they really don’t. STUPID. I spend 85% of my time alone or more. All I know is being a mom. That’s gone right now. I have someone who cares about me. But I will never have that person Which makes my depression worse and thinking about my boys and that I can’t afford to go visit. Let’s see. I’m getting worse. I want to be happy I really do. I try to think "what can I do to get out of this"? But something happens and I go days with no sleep. My med provider is an ass and see’s me just as the rest of the people who go there and will not listen to me, He doesn’t see many or any I’m sure people like me, This is a small town. He see’s too many people and assumes everyone WANTS to be on meds and are seekers. I need something diffferent. He just won’t listen. Reguardless. I want to be happy CHANGE . I’m trying. Have been. Can’t . But trying. Tired of wondering every day "am I going to sleep"? Tired of waking up to another miserable day, knowing I am just going to have yet another one the next. BUT I have a life ins plan set. and the 2 year suicde clause is over. it’s just a matter of doing it. I bought the plan because I knew it was going to happen. I don’t want to. I’m scared to to fricken’ heck. I don’t want to die. but then I do. I want nothing more than to just go. It hurts so much to be here. And the only reason I am is because I can picture my mothers face when my brother did it. And my sons. I want to watch them grow. God it hurts. So don’t tell me about hurting people. I know all about it.There is one person that can help, But I don’t think he wants to. So if you have gotten this far, my question is. Why not? Why wake up another day to misery only to make others happy?
I’ve never talked about this to anyone. I can’t afford to. I can’t afford to have someone think I’m a danger to myself and be put away somewhere and loose my apartment. It’s all I have. That would just make things so much worse. But I’m scareing myself. I have never been this serious about it. To have been planning for the past year how to do it, researching the best ways. To make it look like an accident. Can’t talk about it in therapy. Can’t give myself away. Tired of acting. Just tired. Wish he would try a little harder. Why?
Oh I know. I have been reading allot about heaven and hell. LOL I have to be ready. Or really just want to know what’s going to happen to me. I understand that it may just be nothingness. But right now a neverending sleep sounds so much better. SLEEP. GOD.
I am on medication. Seriquel. Ativan. Concerta. Topimax. The Seriquel makes my heart race and skip which has put me in the ER a few time the past month. I have been on it for 7 years. I want off. The psyciatrist just tells me to eat better. I am on a heart monitor for a month. I forgot to mention. I get scared everytime I take it. But if I dont’ I don’t sleep. Can’t win.

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